Today’s post is going to be a bit of a departure from the norm. No fun pictures, no details of any adventures, and although it is snowing outside (!), I’m probably not going to write about that either. I’ve internally debated whether or not to even post anything on the topic, but in the end, it is all I can think about lately.

For the two of you that were reading my blog last year, you might remember that I did a series of races in 2011 in order to fundraise money for the non-profit called First Descents. We chose FD because it helps recovering cancer patients by getting them outdoors and allowing them to enjoy a variety of mountain activities to celebrate their recovery. Of course, there are so many amazing charities out there, but we chose FD for a more personal reason: my aunt.

My aunt was diagnosed awhile back with terminal cancer. And although I didn’t write or speak much about it, we were all lucky enough to be able to spend some time with her back in December when she came to visit us. She used to live in Colorado in the early 90s, so I think she truly enjoyed getting to spend time here once again. I imagine it brought back a flood of memories. My parents were also able to take her to visit my sis in Hawaii, which I was so happy about. My aunt had never been, and the state was on her “bucket list” of places to visit before she passed. She got to lounge on the beach, visit Pearl Harbor, and experience sea lions in the wild on the beaches of Kauai.

I’ve also mentioned before that I was one of those weird baby deliveries in that I was not born in a hospital; instead, I was delivered at home, in my parents’ bed. And no, this was not intentional! My mom had eaten a bunch of candy the day I was born, and when her contractions began, she assumed they were cramps from all of the sweets she had eaten since I was so premature and no one was really expecting me (my mom also has a really high pain tolerance!) Obviously, I was on the way, and by the time my parents realized what was going on, I was well on my way out. My aunt had been visiting my parents, and in the end, she helped deliver me with my father. Because of this, I’ve always felt a special attachment to her: she helped bring me into this world.

This is all at the forefront of my brain because things have taken a downturn for her in the past 48 hours, and it has become evident that my aunt is not much longer for this place. Quite honestly, I am really struggling even though we’ve all known for awhile and I knew December might be the last time I saw her. I have never experienced the loss of anyone close to me except for my grandmother, but this is very different to me: she is still so young. And I am having a really tough time accepting it. I am not ready for a funeral, and I am not ready to say goodbye.